psychosomatic

these past few days i've been having a sorta range of physical impairment signs and symptoms and i blame it on psychosomatic.

panic attack on yesterday mid morning plus stomachache in the evening --> although this might be attributed to my improper eating these last few days yet i still think that my mental played a part.

and this morning, nauseated n loss of appetite, i struggle to finish off my cereal drink.
try, try to think of something happy
i did n i finally gulped the whole drink without realizing.

tak tahu nk tulis ape

erm knape tetbe menulis ni?herm tak tauu..nk melaporkan cek pah demam, kak gym dtg ptg td belaja esp..azra pulak tgh semangat nk berolahraga nak berdiet laa kononnye tuhh (=P ). ingat2 semule dah lame juge ku tak berolahrage..n to think about it i used to be a sportswoman (ahah..perasan..sile muntah)..busyness show me no mercy, n its difficult to start again sumthing that i'd left for a long time..every weeken will come n leave me feeling-oh,dah hari ahad-xspend utk belaja pun-n tak lekat dekat rumah-n ahad petang-ohh tak spend utk tdo dan byk keje tak siap lagi-n eh-nak rase depressed-haha-pastu-dah2 jgn layan-kene be strong-n move forward..

n i'm declaring that i miss home, not that badly though,but suam2 kuku..
another week kickstarting~

hilang?

tiba2 perasaan itu hilang.
cepat sungguh hati ini bolak balik sendiri.
sudah rasa biasa2 sahaja.

tp bersyukur perasaan itu sudah berlalu pergi.
sgt serabut bila Tuhan tidak tunjukkan jalan, sesat seorg diri.
Alhamdulillah Allah masih mengasihi diri ini..

Terima kasih juga pada entry blog gengsambalterung ini..it enlightened a lot!
jazakillah...=) -->

JAGA HATI KITA. Jangan biarkan ia dihinggapi habuk sehingga menjadi daki yang berkekalan. Bersihkan HATI kita dari segala kekotoran. Bagaimana?

" ...manusia Yang mempunyai hati (Tetapi) tidak mahu memahami dengannya (ayat-ayat Allah), dan Yang mempunyai mata (Tetapi) tidak mahu melihat dengannya (bukti keesaan Allah) dan Yang mempunyai telinga (Tetapi) tidak mahu mendengar dengannya (ajaran dan nasihat)..." [7:179]

Jaga mata. Jaga telinga. Jaga segala perbuatan kita. Kerana ia mempengaruhi HATI kita. InsyaAllah bila HATI sudah bersih, kita akan jadi lebih SENSITIF. Sensitif terhadap segala kekotoran yang kecil mahupon yang besar.

...dan juga entry dari Ilham al Adwa' (<--click link) yg sangat menyentuh hati..

*jazakillahu khairan katsiraan sekali lagi..doakan doa2 sy ada jawapannya..;)

gerakkan!

gerakkan hati, gerakkan minda , maka akan bergeraklah anggota badan mu
kenalilah potensi jiwa dan hatimu, ia boleh dibaja!

(doakan saya)

soul searching...

apa khabarkah kondisi iman ku pada hari ini?
mengapakah aku solat, membaca ayat2 suci Al-Qur'anMu,
tapi masih saja gemar berkata-kata yang tidak sepatutnya?
berlebihan dalam berbicara,
dan beranggapan nista tentang hamba-hambaMu?

manakah letaknya kondisi jiwaku?
tidakkah ianya terkesan oleh ibadah2ku,
jika tidak, di manakah silapnya yg telah berlaku?
hinakah jiwaku?

pondering~

i'm just back from my pharmacology lab. and pondering bout my thesis workloads hence deciding to laze around for a while. browsing people's blog and blogging. people said my baju to class today was 'silau'ing. sampai hati depa. haha. apparently pharmaco lab is one of the lab i hate most in medical school since usually we have to wait very long and naturally i'm not so keen in helping out in handling the poor animals to be experimented-be it white rats, rabbits, hamsters etc. but today was bearable than usual since it only took us about half an hour to do the experiment (minus playing around) and the sample animal was a very very cute guinea pig (now i finally know how a real guinea pig looks like!). plus me n doyot n haneef rehearsed or tasmi' some of our hafazan, so it did quite kill the time. yet another report awaiting to be done. i still havent done my khidmat bakti siswa proposal-haish-the deadline's this friday lah

herm, tasha texted me just now asking for what i'd like for my upcoming birthday present, suddenly reminding me that my birthday is approaching. had it really been a year?-i can't believe it- u just start to grow faster when you're older, don't you? i think this year's birthday will be different from the previous as it will be less significant and more forgettable. you do be ignorant and more serious when you're older, hehe.

anyway, if there is, my wishlists for birthday this year are (ngengade kan-ignore this part)
1) collins english thesaurus (super small n cute pocket size)
2) muhammad- a book by karen armstrong
3) a cute jacket from sixty that me n doyot usha last time but takde our sizes (haha)
4) qur'an tajwid
5) more and more books

ok, now semangat toy-do things with compassion and semangat, banyak kerja menanti nih, fokus ye, mulakan dengan bismillah dan niat yg baek kerana Allah-supaya bernilai ibadah. k,nk stat buat keje. bismillah.

Jogja kota harapan

kesan-kesan bekas puting beliung masih terlihat sewaktu aku melewati jalan biasa pulang ke kontrakan setelah penat lelah mengasistensi bedah minor yang entah kenapa lemau rasanya hari ini. bapak2 penjaga parkir yg ketika puting beliung kelmarin amat aku risaukan keselamatannya bertugas seperti biasa seolah-olah tidak ada apa2 yg sudah berlaku. penjual2 buah, doktor2 berjas putih berkeliaran dan kedai2 makan beraktivitas seperti kisah puting beliung itu hanyalah sejarah dahulu kala. sedangkan masih ada pokok2 tumbang yang masih belum dirapikan dan billboards2 kedai masih terdampar di jalanan. cepatnya jogja bangkit! seraya menyambung lamunan meneruskan langkah2 lemah, kelihatan pula seorang adik kecil tersenyum riang dipimpin si ibu yang tak kalah senang. tapi ada sesuatu yg tak kena pada si adik. kepalanya separuh botak meski berambut panjang! mungkinkah si adik pesakit leukimia?? tapi si adik sepertinya tetap bersemangat. ah, kenapa aku juga yang tetap tak bersemangat? terdengar bunyi kayuhan basikal disertai suit-suit dr belakang. siapalah yang cuba mengurat aku di kala moodku hilang ditelan senja kelam ni? aisyah adik 2007 rupenye. langsung aku menyeringai sambil menggelitik ketiaknya. hihi. ketawa kecil sebentar. herm, kembali ke mood sebelumnya. terlihat mbak2 yang wajahnya sekilas mirip mbak2 di kilang tempatku bekerja slps spm dahulu. rindu juga rupanya aku pada mereka. mb lisma mb apa lagi sorang itu ya, boleh pula aku lupa namanya sedangkan rapat bukan main nak rak. herm akhirnya ku tiba juga ke kontrakan B29 rumahku syurgaku. namun aku tetap juga tak bersemangat.

Cinta setulus jiwa

Cinta setulus jiwa
By Opick

Dalam luka
Dalam duka
Engkau ada dan setia
Temani jiwa…

Surya yang memerah
Senja di langit dunia
Sunyi hatiku
Terbayang wajah mereka

Yang memelukku
Menjagaku
Memberiku kasih dan sayang
Mencintaiku
Merawatku tanpa lelah
Setulus jiwamu…

Jauh sudah langkah hari
Yang memanggil rindu
Di dalam hatiku padamu
Andai bisa ku mengulang waktu
Hanya tuk mengerti akanmu, menyentuhmu…

I'm not a good daughter. i've never been a good one. ever since i was little, i was always the most hardened up and difficult child. but mak n ayah still love n accept me the way i am...unconditionally. for all the times when i was lost for words, lost for expressions, and for one or more ways if i've ever blamed u both for any mishaps, i'm deeply regretful. the greatest gift i could atone for all the wrongdoings i've done and ever present to u both is by being a better person, offering the best condition of my imaan in the eyes of Allah so the two of u would be placed among the righteous in this life and the next hereafter..

..my only wish..the only wish... from u both...is to pray for this hardened steel heart of mine to be melted away, mak n ayah..

:..uhibbukum mak n ayah..:

'thank you for everything'

the basic dissection week

first of all, when i was younger i'd never thought that i'd pursue medicine seriously, and least of all be inclined towards surgery-i'd vowed since my 1st year that surgery would be the last thing on earth i'd wanted to specialize in.

but here i am-taking basic dissection week for my elective block-and it turns out to be quite cewl and unbelievably i turned out to be quite a compulsive dissector!

my basic dissection week started with some lectures by mas jun, dr cahaya n the alwiz ceria dr santoso.mas jun has always been one of our most favourite anatomy assistant-and now shall i say-anatomist?-still he hasn't been a letdown-wowing us with his teaching ability, patience and the intelligence of answering any questions we stormed at him. his talent n passions are indeed awesome!

i had always admired dr santoso-he's really brilliant, passionate and cheerful-haha~i was told that he'd completed his medical degree with a 4 flat!wahhh~ i wish i have his brain!- will never forget the way he'll look at us in awe when we can't recall the anatomy parts he ask-hehe!

talk about being overconfident-here was a few bloops n blunders i made during tutorial which was unrevealed and pointed out by dr cahayani during her lecture!!!-malunye saye sbb terlebih jagung(corn-fident)!!! (muke merah malu tapi buat2 xtau pandang depan je..)-->

*fossa cubiti yang telah ditambah perasa sesuka hati menjadi fossa mediana cubiti
*scaphoid dekat radius snuffbox laa bukan ulnar (kok ini ga tauu??-bisik dr cahayani dlm hati-heh he hee)
*flexor pollicis longus disalah sebut dgn nyum nyum-nya menjadi flexor palmaris longus (beda banget lokasi dua-dua muscle nihh)

a few things i just knew regarding the cadaver in anatomy lab:-
*they come from the unclaimed body from the hospital-also unclaimed in some sort of jabatan kebajikan masyarakat (lebeyh kuang)-and since the jabatan cannot afford to cover its burial cost-it'll be given to the anatomy lab of medicine faculty-n it will later be treated as a dead body with respect-dimandikan,dikapankan dan disolatkan dan didoakan supaya contributionnya ini akan menjadi amal baik buatnya di akhirat kelak..

*after undergoing the above rituals-the body will be infused with highly concentrated formalin through his artery femoralis in the right thigh for 24 hours to rid off all of the blood contained in his blood vessels and to preserve the integrity of his internal organs!

*then the cadaver will be immersed in a huge formaline pool usually containing around 20 cadavers at a time-to preserve his external body parts.

*there is a huge underground hole in the back of anatomy lab to bury off the cadavers that is no longer of/in use.

*the ones that we're using for dissection is usually aged 5-10 years (youngest is 3 months old), since the formalin strength and hence toxicity is lesser for us.

the aim of dissection is to expose the body parts as extensive as possible for the purpose of learning and identifying each structure in the body (ex: exposing the muscles plus preserving the appendages that arise alongside it like the artery, vein and nerve). and this morning dissection class- the 9 of us- 4 per group- geared up in lab coats, masks and the dissection equipments: me n shenyew dissected the cadaver's trunk while budi n shariff dissected its upper limb (tangan). later we shifted tasks since budi n shariff were tak larat to incise the thick fatty layer of the cadaver's limb (sum of the fatty layer even melted!). since i told earlier that me and shenyew were compulsive dissectors we enjoyably took over, huhu! 3 hours hardly passed by! and when it was over-i was still not done in exposing all of its arm muscles, plus a bonus for me for accidentally cut a nerve and an artery (when we're actually supposed to preserve them-ahaks!). it was overall fun n seriously a whole new learning experience-i felt really like a butcher. n tomoroe we'll proceed in dissecting the lower limb (kaki) pulak. sum assignments also have to be submitted in tomoroe and me still havent done it yet..hurmm.

i was so tired for the day and was back at home 10 minutes before maghrib after the skills lab meeting with the new assistants. it was raining extremely heavy - n i cudnt stand anymore to wait-so i just redah the rain-it was so lebat i hardly cud see. and i arrived home feeling absolutely famished and a bit off the mood-yet i knew better to rid it off quickly. herm-many works to be done-the tasks seem endless. a few thoughts on my mind:-

my wishlists:-
- sumbody to do the pkp khidmat bakti masyarakat proposal for me
- sumone to replace and pay for my motor's new shock absorber-its leaking, n for god's sake,the journey feels so bumpyish!
-ubat jerawat!

aspired to be better

thanks for the words
i thank Allah for giving me answers through you
although i've waited for u quite long enough
long enough for me to learn the art of appreciating
now i'm clearer of my path ahead
and i could see the specks of hope igniting through
the end of the tunnel

and i thank Allah again
for sending me answers slowly but surely,
slowly enough for me to discover the strength of patience
convincing me that the wait is worth it
and now i know what i'm supposed to do
and i believe that it has just only begun
the faith and spirit will be soared higher,
insyaAllah
may He be guiding through..

thank you Allah
kebersamaan itu adalah kekuatan
thanks ukhtiku ;)
(dedicate to dearest doyot too, may we be strong always..amin)

little by little we'll climb the stairs and pick up the pieces we've left, if Allah wills so..

dalam kehendak-Nya

"mana milik kita?
tidak ada milik kita"
(Mana milik kita-Nadamurni)

redha dengan ketentuan Allah
pasti ianya yg terbaik,
bukankah Dia yg Maha Mengetahui?

the pages are written,
the inks are dried,
up there in the Lauhul Mahfuz,
before the time i cud even think of

what more can i say?
than i shall prostrate to You
if its for the best
then rather i shall thank You

“And whoever is dutiful to Allah, He makes a way out for him (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from places he never could imagine. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, He
will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed, Allah has set a measure for all things.” [ At-Talaaq: 2-3]

tinggal yakin, je kan?