burdened

sometimes i feel that i cant make decision and i am not a capable person. and i think too much and i take matters too seriously n i handle things all by myself. n i become depressed.
is this some kind of an illness? a personality disturbance disorder?

when actually i'm really2 glad n relieved if someone advises n reminds me that i can delegate the matters, i dun have to handle the burden all by myself..im not alone..really2 appreciate it..do remind me, cause im used to handle things all by myself.

rindu padanya

di saat2 saya merasa PMS atau kesabaran berada di tahap paling minimal, hati merasa tidak tenang, jiwa mencari-cari kesalahan. tiba-tiba sy teringat pada seorang teman yang sangat istimewa di jiwa saya. Saya rindu padanya. sangat rindu padanya. saya rindu senyuman di wajahnya yang tak pernah sirna, tak pernah saya lihat wajahnya bermuram durja atau mendung. matanya selalu bercahaya. saya rindu pelukan hangat eratnya terutama setelah kami selesai solat jemaah atau ketika hendak berpisah. dia seorang yang sangat rendah hati. mengabdikan hidupnya di medan dakwah. 24 jam 7 hari sehari. setiap usrah atau ta'lim yang dia beri selalu memberi impak pada orang yang mendengar. jarang dia bercakap sia-sia, tak pernah saya dengar dia membicarakan tentang orang lain. orangnya...sangat zuhud..tak pernah berkira soal duit. walaupun saya tahu dia tengah tak ada duit. masyaAllah..akhlaknya...buat saya sayang dan sanggup buat apa2 untuk dia tanpa perlu dipaksa..walaupun saya taklah selalu jumpa dia..kami tinggal jauh universiti pun berbeza..tapi setiap kali dapat luangkan masa dengan dia saya rasa istimewa dan tenang dan sayang padanya..mungkin ini yang dinamakan 'sayang kerana Allah'. tak selalu jumpa tapi rasa akrab dan rindu. dan dia sangat hebat. berjaya hidupkan komuniti insan-insan yang sama-sama mencintai Allah dan sanggup berkorban apa sahaja di jalan dakwah dengan akhlak yang subhaanallah...hebat...hati rasa warm dan damai bila bersama dengan mereka..terasa bibit-bibit kehidupan para sahabat di zaman rasulullah..mungkin ini adalah hasil tarbiyyah yang hebat dan tidak pernah kenal henti dan putus asa.. manisnya...saya kagum dengan dia...saya tak mampu nak jadi macam dia..malahan saya selalu je tak berjaya nk kawal emosi saya..ya Allah perbanyakkanlah orang seperti dia ya Allah biar bumi ini terasa sejuk dengan insan-insan berkualiti yang menyayangi orang lain kerana cintakan akhirat dan rindu untuk bertemu denganMu..ya Allah jadikanlah aku walaupun tak mampu sehebat dia..tapi sejalur dengan jalan yang diambil dia...dia tak akan saya lupakan...saya nak bagi anak saya nama dia..saya nak anak-anak saya jadi hebat seperti dia..yang tetap istiqamah..dan ya Allah tetap istiqamahkanlah dia...dan diriku..agar generasi pewaris nabi tetap ada di muka bumi ini....

choices

life is about choices. ada beberapa titik di dalam hati. tidak begitu best. macam terlalu dipaksakan. susah nak explain.

its by the remembrance of Him that heart finds rest

it is officially clear that im being tested these past few days. at first it seemed hard. matters of the heart is always hard n difficult to mend. but Allah is indeed the best planner. His tests are means for us to get closer to Him. for the first few days i was at lost, difficult to breath, with tears streaming down unpredictably. But He makes us mend our ways, find our way back home. reflecting back what we have done, makes us turn our head back to Him. its like a knock on the head or a soft pat on our back reminding us that maybe somehow without realizing we have lost our ways. And alhamdulillah, with his Grace and mercy, i am much more at peace. Allah only tests those that He loves, and i hope that i am much loved by Him. May the outcome of this is something best for me and the other parties. InsyaAllah.

welcome ummi!

ummi adalah panggilan saya kepada new hausmet saya yang bernama hidayah. oh ya, lupe mau beritahu, ummi menggantikan azra sebagai penghuni kamar no 3 rumah saya. mungkin teman2 sudah tau yang azra berpindah ke kos baru atas sebab sudah berkahwin. ya, betul. sudah menjadi isteri orang. alhamdulillah beliau telah selamat melangsungkan perkahwinan dengan arif, teman sekelas mahupun seangkatan kami pada tanggal 3o jan yang lalu. satu lagi teman akrab saya sudah lari jauh meninggalkan saya. kenangan manis suka duka tinggal bersama mulai dari tahun kedua tak akan sekali-kali saya lupakan. semoga sampai ke anak cucu kami tetap rapat. amin. semoga azra bahagia menempuh hidup baru. yang jelas, azra bahagia, saya juga tumpang bahagia sama.

walaupun sedih tapi patah tumbuh hilang berganti. hadirnya hidayah aka doyot aka doy2 aka ummi kembali menceriakan suasana kehidupan kami. saya panggil beliau ummi sebab beliau sangattt keibuannn. saya suka sangat kacau ummi dan manje2 dgn ummi. ummi suka memasak. baru 2 minggu ummi pindah saya sudah tambah berat badan sebanyak * kg. kini setiap hari dapur rumah saya berasap. secara tidak langsung saya juga jadi belajar menajamkan bakat memasak saya yang selama ini memang selalu tumpul. 2minggu lepas adalah minggu orientasi saya untuk menjadi iron chef. hahahaa*gelak besar*. kira oklah, skarang ni saya takdelah sebuta kuali seperti dulu lagi. hahaha*gelak lagi*. ummi juga selalu ajak untuk solat berjemaah. stlh solat bersama, salah seorang dari kami akn membaca ta'lim kerana ummi mempunyai banyak buku2 agama yang diletak di rak buku di ruang tamu. iya, buku beliau banyak seperti perpustakaan. al-maktabah. sedikit sebanyak terisi juga hati saya yang selalu naik turun tak tentu arah sejak masuk koas ini. semoga Allah tetap menyatukan hati-hati kami dalam ikatan ukhuwwah atas kasih sayangnya. sesungguhnya Allah amat menyayangi saya. saya merasa sangat disayangi. dari dahulu saya dikurniakan teman-teman serumah yang selalu menyejukkan hati, menerima saya apa adanya dan menganggap seperti adik beradik. susah senang dilalui bersama. benarlah, suasana rumah dan penghuni rumah yng damai memang menentukan kedamaian hati. sekurang-kurangnya bila sudah stress dengan kerenah2 orang di luar rumah atau kesibukan di hospital, pabila pulang ke rumah hari menjadi sejuk dan damai. rumahku syurgaku. kepada ummi, with warmest regard, welcoming u to be a part of us..the b29ers..smoga ummi suke tinggal di sini bersame kami-kami yang cacat ini..

Life's worth

Summer night on the 4th of July and we're hanging outside
I take my kids downtown to watch fireworks fly
As the light flicker in my daughters eyes
I think about the plight of a war torn child
And how these same sights and sounds make them cry

And how much is this life worth, is what I say to you
As I sit here right now, watching the evening news
And how much is this life worth, cause it cant be true
We're dying over different points of view
We're dying over different points of view
So how much is this life worth to you.

It five o-clock and Im rushing home like I always do
I call ahead to my wife and kids and say I'll be there soon
I put the radio on, and the announcer speaks
Of a man rushing home just in time to see
His house blown to rubble with his family beneath

And how much is this life worth, is what I say to you
As I sit here right now, watching the evening news
And how much is this life worth, cause it cant be true
We're dying over different points of view
We're dying over different points of view
So how much is this life worth to you.

How much is this life worth,
How much is this life worth,
How much is this life worth,
How much is this life worth,

We say we stand for justice for all, but what about babies when bombs fall
How much is their life worth to you
And when we say we answer the call of Allah
But is it the way of Rasoolullah
How much is his life worth to you

Yah Allah, help us make dua

And how much is this life worth, is what I say to you
As I sit here right now, watching the evening news
How much is this life worth, cause it can't be true
That we're dying over different points of view
So how much is this life worth to you.

So how much is this life worth to you?

(A nasyeed by Native deen )

i wish

i wish that im smart
i wish that im focused
i wish that little matters do not bother me
i wish that i know how to save other people
i wish that i find peace
i wish that Allah wipes away all of my fears
and i wish that Allah grants me all of my wishes

and i tink i rili miss...

SMKA MAAHAD MUAR!!!!
rindunyaaaaaa!!! nak balik sekolahhhhhhhhh!!

a simple note, a self reminder.

underwent almost a month of my clinical rotation. i've realized that:
1) TIME is a modality. for ur dunya n akhirat, once it ticks, it could never be bought back. think
about it.
2) lalai is an enemy. realize this please. it attacks u from the insides and outsides. its like sleeping
with the enemy.
3) talking and bothering about other people is a mechanism of distraction. it distracts u from
focusing on ur own weakness and life purpose. seriously dangerous.
4) i felt that some people have stopped considering that humans' lives are valuable. i wonder if i'll
ever become likewise. nauzubillah.
5) purifying the heart is the only solution to survive in this chaotic world ur living in. and its not
an easy job. it needs constant reminder from time to time.
6) there are so many things n knowledge to be memorized. its funny n scary how short lived my
memories are. figuring out ways to improve them.
7) God, dont lead me astray. im so weak. and fragile. i beg U Lord.

"Aku melihat ke syurga maka kebanyakan dari penghuni penghuninya adalah orang2 miskin. Dan aku melihat pula ke neraka, maka kelihatan olehku kebanyakan penghuninya ialah wanita." (HR Muslim)

bila rindu

when i say im undergoing the most languorous phase of my life, i really mean it. but yet, i cant help but miss this supercute missable little girl,

the girl with a plastic of jajan in her right hand, with the buncit perut and seluar senteng warna biru, how i miss! miss husna sofia...

over 1300 palestinians have died yet the world is still doing nothing..

i am so so sad....the world is so big n gaza is so small, yet nobody seems to be doing anything about the Israelis invasion up till now ...where are the OIC countries hiding??no news of sending any military help..at least the indonesian MER-C team has arrived there for medical aid..wut about the government of the islamic countries worldwide?don't they bother to send any jihad batallions to help our brethrens there?the whole world seems to be soooo silent in response to the crisis??wut has happened to us? are we in a too deep sleep and is it sooo difficult to wake up?

super-busy

declaring that im superr busy at the moment n...hating it?

im so sorry if i cudnt keep my emotions under check at times or if there's some appointments that i couldn't attend to...or meet up with..i'm barely struggling with my own studies at the moment n having to cut out on my own regular sleeping hours..

the 06's are going to have their OSCE exams soon so the 05's assistants are currently struggling to assist them, fulfilling their scheduled practices just as soon as our own class ends, keeping me occupied up to 4pm in the evening...in fact, sum groups are even requesting practices up to 6pm!

but then i suppose, time is an issue for most of us pun, many of us are multitasking n wishing that we have more than 24 hours a day, therefore i should not make excuses, nor complains..just do wut i have to do, n enjoys it..i hope im still one piece intact at the end of the day. pray for me ;) pendadaran (my thesis exam or final presentation) is on next wednesday.

all the best everyone!~

self resolution 1430H

here's my personal self resolution checklist in conjunction with this new 1430H year:

1) Al-Qur'an recitation 1 juz per day insyaAllah
2) pray extra heed to my solah--towards achieving high quality solah!
3) check n balance the condition of my heart every now n then- qalbu management to be seeked..always!
4) towards a more purified islamic fikrah, ruhiyah and way of living
5) time is gold. treasure it
6) focus more on acting--implementing action instead of just thinking and talking

may ur prayers accompany me. pray that i'll be a better person.

"..i have in my hearts the will and in my hands the means.."

Salam Maal Hijrah
1430H,
pray for our brothers and sisters in Palestine

bersungguh sungguhlah wahai hati...

a small note to my dearest miss heart..

1) hindari angan-angan kosong. segala sesuatu telah ditetapkan oleh Tuhan untukmu!
2) sesuatu dari Tuhanmu itu pasti yang terbaik, tiada syak lagi!
3) bersungguh-sungguhlah dalam meraih sesuatu. terutama menuntut ilmu!
4) jagalah ibadahmu, lapangkanlah dadamu.
5) dlm apa2 pun kondisi dirimu berada, pastikan hatimu sentiasa dlm keadaan tenang dan khusyuk!
6) yakinlah dengan janji2 Tuhanmu, kejarlah tingkat syurga tertinggi!
7) persembahkan yg terbaik buat Tuhanmu, cinta Allah dan rasul harus yg paling utama pd setiap ketika!
8) kurangkan berharap pada manusia, manusia tak boleh menjamin apa-apa tanpa izinNya.
9) sumthing happens simply becos Allah wants it to happen..kun fayakuun
10) jalan ini jln yg menjamin! yakinlah~

hilang?

tiba2 perasaan itu hilang.
cepat sungguh hati ini bolak balik sendiri.
sudah rasa biasa2 sahaja.

tp bersyukur perasaan itu sudah berlalu pergi.
sgt serabut bila Tuhan tidak tunjukkan jalan, sesat seorg diri.
Alhamdulillah Allah masih mengasihi diri ini..

Terima kasih juga pada entry blog gengsambalterung ini..it enlightened a lot!
jazakillah...=) -->

JAGA HATI KITA. Jangan biarkan ia dihinggapi habuk sehingga menjadi daki yang berkekalan. Bersihkan HATI kita dari segala kekotoran. Bagaimana?

" ...manusia Yang mempunyai hati (Tetapi) tidak mahu memahami dengannya (ayat-ayat Allah), dan Yang mempunyai mata (Tetapi) tidak mahu melihat dengannya (bukti keesaan Allah) dan Yang mempunyai telinga (Tetapi) tidak mahu mendengar dengannya (ajaran dan nasihat)..." [7:179]

Jaga mata. Jaga telinga. Jaga segala perbuatan kita. Kerana ia mempengaruhi HATI kita. InsyaAllah bila HATI sudah bersih, kita akan jadi lebih SENSITIF. Sensitif terhadap segala kekotoran yang kecil mahupon yang besar.

...dan juga entry dari Ilham al Adwa' (<--click link) yg sangat menyentuh hati..

*jazakillahu khairan katsiraan sekali lagi..doakan doa2 sy ada jawapannya..;)

soul searching...

apa khabarkah kondisi iman ku pada hari ini?
mengapakah aku solat, membaca ayat2 suci Al-Qur'anMu,
tapi masih saja gemar berkata-kata yang tidak sepatutnya?
berlebihan dalam berbicara,
dan beranggapan nista tentang hamba-hambaMu?

manakah letaknya kondisi jiwaku?
tidakkah ianya terkesan oleh ibadah2ku,
jika tidak, di manakah silapnya yg telah berlaku?
hinakah jiwaku?

Cinta setulus jiwa

Cinta setulus jiwa
By Opick

Dalam luka
Dalam duka
Engkau ada dan setia
Temani jiwa…

Surya yang memerah
Senja di langit dunia
Sunyi hatiku
Terbayang wajah mereka

Yang memelukku
Menjagaku
Memberiku kasih dan sayang
Mencintaiku
Merawatku tanpa lelah
Setulus jiwamu…

Jauh sudah langkah hari
Yang memanggil rindu
Di dalam hatiku padamu
Andai bisa ku mengulang waktu
Hanya tuk mengerti akanmu, menyentuhmu…

I'm not a good daughter. i've never been a good one. ever since i was little, i was always the most hardened up and difficult child. but mak n ayah still love n accept me the way i am...unconditionally. for all the times when i was lost for words, lost for expressions, and for one or more ways if i've ever blamed u both for any mishaps, i'm deeply regretful. the greatest gift i could atone for all the wrongdoings i've done and ever present to u both is by being a better person, offering the best condition of my imaan in the eyes of Allah so the two of u would be placed among the righteous in this life and the next hereafter..

..my only wish..the only wish... from u both...is to pray for this hardened steel heart of mine to be melted away, mak n ayah..

:..uhibbukum mak n ayah..:

'thank you for everything'

aspired to be better

thanks for the words
i thank Allah for giving me answers through you
although i've waited for u quite long enough
long enough for me to learn the art of appreciating
now i'm clearer of my path ahead
and i could see the specks of hope igniting through
the end of the tunnel

and i thank Allah again
for sending me answers slowly but surely,
slowly enough for me to discover the strength of patience
convincing me that the wait is worth it
and now i know what i'm supposed to do
and i believe that it has just only begun
the faith and spirit will be soared higher,
insyaAllah
may He be guiding through..

thank you Allah
kebersamaan itu adalah kekuatan
thanks ukhtiku ;)
(dedicate to dearest doyot too, may we be strong always..amin)

little by little we'll climb the stairs and pick up the pieces we've left, if Allah wills so..

the remedy for the insomniacs

my early sleeping routine is disturbed tonite. i'm declaring myself an insomniac! and the remedy- is going on a food binge-wif cek pah's wonderful brownies kukus (ehehe..tikus curi food kat dapor). tq cek pah for cooking lovely dishes today..love it..(siap tambah 3 x..kuang2)..luv u too dearie..owez..hehhe (overrr)..

the remedy for the heart
quoting a saying from one of my friend as a constant reminder for us as a servant to God, our lives need to be filled continously with tarbiyyah n mutaba'ah amal. it's not just about us, having to take care and pay heed over our ibadah, but the ibaadah in return will act as a shield in putting our lives under His care, completely. this is very vital, in order so that we won't take our ibaadah for granted cos what we've performed will be questioned in the hereafter later. Therefore, let's make effort to improve the quality of our ibadaah especially our SOLAT, bit by bit, ceaselessly without fail..

A humble reminder from me yet sincerely (insyaAllah)
Sampaikan dariku walau satu ayaat..

lalai

lalai...
adalah sifat semulajadi seorg hamba..kdg2 org2 yg baik pun boleh lalai..

kekuatan..
kdg2 utk tidak lalai manusia memerlukan kekuatan..dan kekuatan itu boleh dtg dgn pelbagai cara...bi'ah yg baik..solat malam..dan org2 sekeliling yg memberi inspirasi dan mentransmisi kekuatan..

ingatkan..
oleh itu sentiasalah saling mengingatkan, kerana lalai itu mmg sifat fitrah hamba dan utk sentiasa beringat itu kita kena melawan arus hawa nafsu diri kita yg cenderung pada kelalaian ni..berterima kasihlah kepada Allah yg selalu mengejutkan kita dr kelalaian..sbb Allah masih syg kat kita..

"Hai orang yang berselimut, bangunlah lalu berilah peringatan" (Al-Muddatsir 1-2)

Ingatkanlah diriku wahai temanku jika kau kasihkan diriku kerana Allah...